Let’s face it. Being single is hard. Waiting for a life partner, not knowing when you will meet her or him, is challenging.
The struggle is real.
Many singles grapple with the relentless pressure to find a life partner. Emotions run high, and it can feel like an endless battle within one’s mind. Have you asked questions like “Why am I still single?” and “Am I destined to stay single forever?” The older you get, the desire for companionship intensifies, leading to confusion and inner turmoil.
How can you find peace alone? Is it possible to be at peace as a single?
In this blog post, we’ll explore the struggles singles like you face and share practical insights on how you can find peace in your singleness.
All my life, I fervently believed I would marry one day. I leveraged everything within my power to make it happen. Over time, I became obsessed with finding my future spouse. Then I felt God said, “David, you may have gone a little too far.” He pushed me with His gentle hands toward a different path: helping children in Cambodia.
I asked God, “Is this what I’m supposed to do? Do you want me to forget my dream of getting married and focus on Your work instead?” I hoped these crazy ideas would disappear, but they didn’t. Instead, they became so intense I couldn’t get them out of my mind. So, I told Him, “You know what’s best for me, so I’ll do what You say.” Even though it was tough for me, trusting God seemed to be the way to go, so I did my best to do His will.
God liberated me from being desperate. I think I will marry one day, but even if that day never comes, I am at peace. No matter what, I’ll be fine.
Just because you have not found your life partner and may not have gone on a date for a while does not mean you are weird. You are normal.
But, like all ordinary people, you probably have some unresolved issues, and I encourage you now, in your single season, to explore these issues and seek a solution. Being single gives us a precious advantage when resolving any unsettled manner: it is much easier to fix ourselves when alone or unattached. In other words, leverage your single status to work on your soul.
“Is it well with my soul?”
Taking care of your soul is well worth your time and energy. In our notoriously fast-paced existence, we must remember that despite whatever is going on in our exterior world, taking care of our inner being is vital. But nurturing our souls requires sustained effort.
I developed the habit of journaling to help care for myself mentally and emotionally. I spend a few minutes writing down my thoughts and feelings early in the morning, before turning on my smartphone, and sometimes at night before going to bed. Journaling works best at times like these, when my busy life quiets down because distraction is the worst enemy of caring for my soul.
Leadership coach Robin Sharma says too few of us take care of our inner world. He warns us not to leave our inner world — our soul — unattended but instead to develop a daily self-care routine. I feel this is especially important during your season of singleness. Ensure you can say, “It is well with my soul.”
Additionally, make sure to exercise and eat nutritious food. It is essential to take good care of yourself.
The story of Adam highlights a critical point to consider. By naming each animal, Adam brought order to the earth’s fauna and thus to his life. Once Adam had finished, God put him into a deep sleep, and when he woke up, Eve was standing in front of him. Adam uttered a whoop of joy:
This, at last, is the bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. — Genesis 2:23
Once Adam was ready, with his world in order, he did not have to work to find his soulmate. God put Eve into his life. This means He keeps us waiting to find our spouse because He wants us to prepare first by bringing order into our inner and outer worlds.
My parents advise married couples and often speak to them about the importance of putting their relationships with their parents in order. They have seen many marriage problems caused by one of the spouses maintaining a too-close relationship with their parents. The Bible says:
Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife. — Genesis 2:24
In Western cultures, we are encouraged to leave our parents’ homes and create a new home with our spouses. It only works if we also detach ourselves from the emotional bonds with our parents in preparation for bonding with our spouses.
Reflecting on your life, do you notice any areas you need to put in order? Consider working on them now while you have the time and freedom of your single season.
We must tend to it like a garden to improve our inner world. Just as a gardener takes care of common areas and yards, we must regularly check on our inner gardens. Ask yourself, “Is it well with my soul?” Are you feeling pressured, empty, or irritable? Taking care of your emotional garden is crucial to be a good spouse.
We must prioritize the care of our inner selves by being intentional about it rather than leaving it to chance. Nelson Mandela, an apartheid activist, and South African President, understood this well, often quoting William Ernest Henley’s line, “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.” Despite enduring tremendous suffering during his twenty-seven years of imprisonment, Mandela deliberately took care of his inner being, keeping his hopes alive. His continuous nurturing of his soul enabled him to achieve great things.
To maximize your potential, prioritize protecting your soul.
Regularly check in with yourself.
Are there toxic people in your life who bring you down?
Do you feel drained by certain individuals or overwhelmed by a busy lifestyle?
Take the time to identify the cause of stress and work to alleviate it, paying attention to any feelings of unrest, unease, lack of peace, fear, or sadness that arise as you slow down and connect with your inner self.
Think about how you can better care for your soul. Create a plan for the best results.
Too often, we ignore our souls. Michael Pietrzak, a mindset and success coach, wrote, “The most neglected piece of any productivity plan is your most important asset: YOU.” He encouraged readers to “invest in self-care.” In other words, do what is needed to tend to your emotional well-being.
You need the right amount of water, sunlight, and nutrients to keep a flower garden alive. Similarly, to nourish our inner garden, we must also feed it the correct elements in appropriate amounts.
Instead of waiting for someone else to make me happy, I take myself on soul-satisfying dates. While on a trip to Southeast Asia, I treated myself to a night out at a rooftop bar in Bangkok. I enjoyed a delicious cocktail and the stunning view of the vast city, feeding my soul.
Take care of yourself by finding places, people, and atmospheres that put you in a good mood. Your inner garden needs these moments to flourish and thrive.
Andy Stanley, Pastor of North Point Ministries in Atlanta, said you should “become the person who the person you are looking for is looking for.” Such a statement was a game-changer for me since it took the focus off the other person and put it on me. In other words, it makes you focus on the only part of the relationship you can change: yourself since you can’t change the other person.
This is an excellent way of looking at a relationship, too. Jesus said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). By making myself a better person, I can become a blessing for my future wife. One evening in my church small group, we came up with the metaphor of making ourselves a gift for our future wife to unwrap — a beautiful way to imagine a relationship.
In his book, The Compound Effect, Darren Hardy writes that he made a list of all the attributes his future wife should have, coming up with forty different points.
But then, instead of waiting and hoping to meet such a woman one day, he turned his list around and asked himself, “What do I need to do to become exactly that person?” He became the person he was looking for was looking for. In the end, he says, “I met that very person.”
Being single doesn’t have to be a struggle or a waiting period for the right person to come along.
Instead, it can be a time of self-discovery and self-improvement. By taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally, you find peace and fulfillment in your independence and become better equipped for future relationships.
